Ode to A Silent Serenade - Ten Years of Fallen Love

Ready to shut the door to my heart and focus on myself. But may I close with a letter to ten years of love and loss.

Dear V,

I hope you're still alive. Careless adolescence, our deciduous love never to survive. Overly dramatic we were. Dark and depressed.

Dear K,

Laying on the floor, completely oblivious to the spinning world. You. Fell asleep swimming into the deepest depths of your eyes. Forever to regret not holding tighter, not clenching on to your soul with all my strength. You slipped away by morning. In the midst of my mourning. I opened my fist to find mere beads of perspiration. Empty.

Dear downtown shadowed light,

My mentor, my teacher, my gallant knight. You lifted, mended my gutted soul. Graceful and temperate. With patience and consistent smiles. Thank you for waiting. listening. guiding. You helped me fly.

Dear S,

My comfort, my energy, my wall. Reconstructed the topography of this ruptured heart. My Tylenol. You held tight as I kicked and screamed. Banged and smashed. Allowed me to breathe, grow. Such a tactful revenge as your ardor dimmed. Uncompromising, unwilling. Shut off.

Dear H,

I apologise for the rejection. Lack of love, my disconnection. I apologise for crushing our future to run deep into a dream. Still, I read every letter. Every poem.

Dear W,

Precarious and sure, I foolishly followed your chivalrous lure. A perfect match as our bodies dissolved into one. Surreal. But this mystical and staggering dream backlashed into the foreshadowed nightmare. Dissolution. Woke up from a nonsensical state of mind, facing the heartbreaking reality. Deceptive love.

Picture taken in Cartagena, Colombia

Listen, believe. Conform and Follow. Devote each day to faith alone - reality is non-negotiable. Painful and ruthless. Unforgivable.
Hold on! Injustice will blow the soul away.
Bow down! To an intangible sense of security.
Listen. Listen and hear a sweet nothing in your ear.
Believe. Silent whispers.

Picture taken on Hollywood Blvd in California

"Long has paled that sunny sky:

Echoes fade and memories die:

Autumn frosts have slain July.

In a Wonderland they lie,

Dreaming as the days go by,

Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream --

Lingering in the golden gleam --

Life what is it but a dream?" -Lewis Carroll

Picture taken in Parque Tyrona, Colombia

Welcome to my state of mind. A vivid encounter with my conscience self.
Where dreams and reality mesh together in a confusing swirl,
Where thoughts, memories, and future aspirations collide.
Truthful and confused, yet simple with a complexity that not even I can comprehend.
Where extremities of a bi-polar-like sense of brain destruction
and a sweet stillness of delightful meditation
interlock and chat over a cup of tea.
Such a lushful and lustful waste of a mind
swimming through the unknown,
and swirling deeper into a drain of despair.
Welcome.

Picture taken in Disneyland, California

it's the end of the world, and so they say. it's about that time
for insanity and swine, for planets to align.
waves and quakes, we are deliriously doomed. for heavens, for gods, for all of humanity sakes!
oh, but how we love to fear. of leaning on the brink of death. to stand so viciously near.
and when it's all over and we are still around, we can proclaim, without such shame,
in a pathetic smirk, "we survived. thank you, jesus,
we survived."
how mechanical we are.
how utterly deprived.

Picture taken downtown Los Angles, California

flight

Within the darkened bedroom, he lay there asleep. Rain fell outside the window. Rain fell inside her soul. The storm hummed loudly, pounding against the walls of her mind. The lighting stung the tangled nerves beneath her fragile skin. His breathing became heavier, his sleeping deeper.
She watched wide-eyed at the tall, grey ceiling, alone in the cold room.
Alone near his cold body.
Dampness overwhelmed the covers. She watched the storm come inside, unwelcomed. Bursting through the windows, swirling above the bed, pouring out every bit of it's sorrow, her face numbing with every accumulative drop. Still, her eyes never blinked.
And so, it wept and wept above her, screaming, pleading, wailing. His breathing became unbearably louder. The rain nearly drowning, suffocating her.
Water flowed below the bed and across the room. She stepped onto the concrete floor, her feet soaking in the chilled water. Slowly, heavily, she moved herself through the water now to her knees, and walked out of the room, into warm winds. Where the clouds began to part.
And she breathed new air.
Where are you going, he asked, hardly wakening, eyes closed. His back to her now.
To the sun, she said. And she flew away.

-inspired by a dream the week prior to leaving london, mirroring my life at that moment in time.

Picture taken in Gibraltar, UK

summer magic

05 jan 2009
we were driving, my dad and i. it was dark, nothing around, and suddenly he stopped at a gas pump. all was black and dark except the gas pump. i was outside with him, and he stopped and asked me if i was okay. are you alright? yes, i said unsure. no, are you alright? is everything okay? and i woke up
i can see clearly, it wasn't worth the tears. we held on to something that was only a summer long gleam of light. because magic happens in the summer. when the wind comes, the cold rushes in, the suntan fades and the sandals are pushed far away into the closet...the spell is broken. the moment fades, the magic is lost. poof. and all that is left is the cold and momentary whispers of memories. the sparkles of his eyes that gleamed into mine dimmed, as did our love, as did the beating heart for each other. if life was but an "endless summer" then we wouldn't have the winter, the fall, the spring, to think and rejuvenate our souls. to ready ourselves for more magic to appear. better, more extravagant powers to come our way. new. but we also wouldn't have that time to mourn over the summer past. the magic that set beneath the ocean, never to rise again.

Picture taken in Canoa, Ecuador